I Now Pronounce You Uh
by theicemenace
Summary: How Sheppard gets out of marrying an alien. A comedy of errors.
1. The Really Big Favor

Author's Note: This is _not _slash. All of the characters stay true to themselves. Also, many thanks to my friends atomdancerrr and Bud Urban for their invaluable assistance. Without them, this story would have been so much less. Namaste', _mi amigos_! BTW - Please R/R atomdancerrr's work. She is a talented writer and critic.

**I Now Pronounce You…Uh…**

**Chapter One - The Really Big Favor**

**The story so far…**

Sheppard and his team, minus Teyla, were on board the _Daedalus_, enroute to nowhere in particular while McKay conducted experiments designed to enhance the sublight drive. When they were several days out from Atlantis they received a distress call from a race called the Kardanians. Their ship, the _Adnausaeum_, was nearly beyond repair but was brought into one of the hanger bays where McKay could work on it, just in case. As he was fond of reminding everyone who would listen, and those who wouldn't, he was a genius and more than capable of repairing the ship, eventually, if people would stop standing over him and getting in his way and distracting him by talking nonsensically about things that were of little or no consequence. Not to mention that every time someone said the name of the alien ship the _Daedalus_' crew laughed. It really was quite maddening though he could see their point. To the Kardanians_ Adnausaeum_ meant "may the Creator Of All Things be with us". To the humans it sounded like _ad nauseam_, which was Latin for "to the point of disgust or nausea". At any rate, Colonel Steven Caldwell, commander of the _Daedalus_, agreed to ferry them back to Atlantis once the experiments had been completed to McKay's satisfaction where they would be relocated to a suitable planet.

The Captain of the _Adnausaeum, _Mard Closas, had requested a private conference with Colonels Caldwell and Sheppard. Also in attendance were several of his senior officers and a young woman to whom they were not introduced. This is where we come in…

*****

"We are eternally grateful for all you have done for us, Colonel Sheppard. The damage inflicted upon our ship by the Genii was severe. When you rescued us we had only a few days worth of supplies left to sustain us. Our hyperdrive had been all but destroyed and the environmentals would have failed within a week."

Sheppard listened with only half of his mind while Captain Mard Closas of the Kardanians fairly glowed with gratitude for the rescue of him and his crew, the last of their race.

"Not a problem, Captain. We live to rescue."

"You came to the aide of people you didn't even know. That act is worthy of one of my world's greatest rewards." Closas smiled broadly.

"Well, it's all in a days work for us." Sheppard was getting uncomfortable with the man's effusiveness. And he kept praising the work of one man when it had been a team effort.

The Kardanian waved away the comment. "Nonsense. Don't be so humble, Colonel." He stood, stretching out his left hand. A smaller, more delicate-looking hand grasped his and he pulled the young woman forward. Like her father, she was tall, equal in height to Sheppard, slim, with short silvery black hair in spikes, silver eyes that glittered and flawless skin a few shades lighter than that of milk chocolate. She exuded a sensuality that made all of the men take notice. "On our world, someone who has done something so courageous without thought of harm coming to themselves is given a great reward."

Sheppard used all his will power to keep his features from showing alarm. He whispered in Caldwell's ear. "I have a really bad feeling…" Caldwell said nothing, just arched an eyebrow.

All of Sheppard's fears were made real when Closas said, "Colonel John Sheppard of Atlantis and Earth, I give to you my most prized possession, my daughter E'llya, to have as your mate from this day onward. She is strong in both mind and body and will bear you many children to carry on your legacy of courage and self-sacrifice."

Sheppard let his breath out in a silent sigh. He and Caldwell looked at each other without expression. Sheppard tried to smile back at the young woman but it felt more like the face he usually made when he'd eaten too much Cajun food.

E'llya stepped forward, placing her hands on Sheppard's shoulders. "I pledge my life and my whole being to you, John Sheppard. We will begin our life together this day after Last Meal." She leaned forward and he was sure she was going to kiss him. Instead, she brushed her left temple against his. It was not as intimate as a kiss but he got the idea that it meant the same thing. As she pulled back, one of her spikes nearly impaled his left eye.

*****

Sheppard paced back and forth in a deserted corridor of the _Daedalus_ trying to decide what to do about E'llya. He didn't want to insult these people but he couldn't take the man's daughter as a gift. It smacked of slavery and the idea turned his stomach. He was so distracted that he nearly ran into a wall stanchion. It brought him up short. Leaning one hand on the wall, he ran the other through his military short hair leaving it sticking up more than usual. As far as he could see there were a limited number of ways to get out of this situation.

Footsteps echoed from the corridor behind him. In an instant, he made the decision that the person coming toward him, whoever it was, would be the one to help him out of this mess. He didn't care _who_ it was, he would _not_ take no for an answer. Rubbing the back of his head he took a deep breath to fortify his resolve as the footsteps came to a halt behind him.

"Oh, here you are, Sheppard. _What_ is going on? I have been _all over_ the ship looking for you. The Kardanians are all _up in arms_." Rodney McKay waved his arms around, annoyed with his friend and not shy about expressing it, loudly. "They're running around making all sorts of plans that have _something_ to do with _you _but none of them are saying." Sheppard didn't turn around and McKay became just the tiniest bit worried. He tucked his tablet into the crook of one arm and pressed the other to Sheppard's shoulder which stiffened at the contact. He dropped his hand back to his side. "John? You okay?"

Sheppard hung his head down a moment. Why couldn't it at least have been one of the many _women_ on board? Hell, even Dr. Novack would have been better. So what if she hiccupped when she was stressed? He could work with that. But why why_ why_ did it have to be _McKay_? He turned around to face his friend. They had been through a lot _with_ and _for_ each other but this just might be too much to ask and he didn't want to ruin their friendship. Oh, what the Hell? McKay wouldn't kill him for asking so…

Sheppard turned and gave a small laugh. "Yeah, I'm…fine. Just peachy."

"Humph. You don't look fine _or_ peachy to me. What is going _on_?"

Rubbing both hands up his face and through his hair, he took another deep breath. "It's…a long story. Actually…it's a short story that, apparently, is going to have a long and really _bizarre_ ending." His right hand came to rest on McKay's shoulder. "Rodney, I need a favor."

"Okay."

"A big favor."

"O-_kay_."

"A really BIG favor."

"Oh. Uh…just h-h-how big are we talking here?"

Oh, _shit!_ He hated it when Rodney stuttered. It meant he was already having second thoughts and didn't know how to get out of it. "Very big. It's the biggest favor _ever_ in the history of favors. But I wouldn't ask if it weren't really, really important. The-future-of-a-possible-alliance-is-in-your-hands important."

"No pressure then, hmm?" McKay's eyebrows creased together as he thought it over. "Well, um-m-m-m-m, okay. Yeah. Whatever. Anything for a friend."

"Promise?"

"Yes. _Yes_. Alright. I _promise_." Sheppard stuck his little finger in the air and Rodney reluctantly hooked his own around it. "Pinky swear."

"You're gonna regret saying that when you hear what it is. But you pinky swore so I'm gonna hold you to it."

"No doubt." He was hungry and still annoyed that it took him so long to find Sheppard and that annoyance had just notched up another couple of levels. "But how can I _help you_ if you don't _tell me what it IS_?!?!?"

"Rodney…will you…" Deep breath in, deep breath out. "…marry me?"

**TBC**


	2. The Ghost of Dr Frankenstein

Note: This is _not _slash. All of the characters stay true to themselves.

**I Now Pronounce You… Uh…**

**Chapter Two – The Ghost of Dr. Frankenstein**

**Preamble:**

Well, it will be easier for you to just go back and read Chapter One if you haven't already. I'll wait for you _right here,_ so take your time. (Music begins to play: The theme from _Jeopardy_.) Yawn…stretch…scratch ear…look at watch…pet cat…get cold drink…get snack…pet other cat…check the weather for tomorrow-hmm high temp 73? Nice!…kiss bf…kiss bf again and again and again and…Oh, You're back. (Blush!) So tell me, you hummed _Jeopardy_ while you read this, right? Come on. Tell the truth! Ha! I knew it.

*****

Sheppard touched his earpiece connecting him to Caldwell and Ronon and requesting to meet them in Caldwell's office. When he and McKay arrived Ronon was already there slouched in a chair, his long legs stretched out in front of him. He had his weapon out and was flipping it end over end, hand to hand. Caldwell had filled him in on the situation and amusement oozed out of him to fill the room.

_It was too bad that Teyla was still on Atlantis_, Sheppard thought as he opened the door and propelled McKay inside with a hand in the middle of his back. He was certain that she would have helped him but she had dislocated a shoulder on their last mission and Keller wouldn't release her to travel for at least another week. Torren's father, Kanaan, had recently moved to Atlantis so at least she had someone to help her with child care. Lieutenant Eddie Jones had been sent in her place but Sheppard wanted this to stay between the four of them for now. It wasn't that he didn't trust the young officer but the fewer people involved in this the better. At least for now.

McKay stopped in the middle of the room and just stood there. He didn't greet anyone, just stared straight ahead blinking rapidly, his face blank and his tablet clasped to his chest the same way an anxious child would hold onto a stuffed animal or "blankey".

"Have a seat, Dr. McKay." Caldwell indicated one of two empty chairs. "Dr. McKay?"

Sheppard poked him in the back again, nudging him forward. "Rodney! Sit down!" McKay sat down with a graceless thump.

"Well, Sheppard, we're all here. You said you had a solution to this thing with the Kardanians. Let's hear it." Caldwell leaned his elbows on the desk hands clasped together. He'd made an art form of appearing calm, impassive, emotionally unaffected. It was one of the things that made him a good commander.

Sheppard met the eyes of his friends and colleagues. Oh, _man_! This was going to be harder than he thought. "I've given this a lot of thought. If I were…unavailable then that would probably do the trick. I would be able to turn down Closas' 'gift' without damaging any possible relationship we might have with them in the future."

Caldwell exhaled loudly. "Naturally. _Are_ you unavailable? Your file says you're divorced."

"I am. Divorced that is. And I'm…sorta unavailable. Hopefully, it won't hurt their feelings if I turn down their 'gift'. We take them to Atlantis, Keller gives them the once-over, Woolsey debriefs them, we relocate them to a suitable planet and we're home free. Shouldn't take more than a week, ten days. Two weeks tops."

"Sounds good. So how do we do that?" Ronon interjected.

Sheppard drew in a deep breath but it was McKay who made the announcement, his voice barely above a whisper. "John and I…j-j-just got engaged."

*****

Ronon laughed so hard he dropped his weapon. It skittered under the desk after hitting McKay on the foot. The impact jolted him out of the daze he'd been in since Sheppard had revealed the favor he wanted from him. He never did get a satisfactory answer to why _he'd_ been chosen above one of the many women on board but that didn't matter. The promise he'd made still rang in his ears. He'd lost Sheppard's trust once before and didn't want to repeat that mistake. Granted, this wasn't on the same level as the incident with Elizabeth and the Replicator nanites, but _no way_ would he risk ruining his friendship with Sheppard. They'd been through too much in the past five years and McKay didn't have so many friends that he could afford to alienate one of them.

Caldwell, being a seasoned commander, did not allow his shock to show on his face but still coughed to cover up the small laugh that bubbled out of him before he could stop it. "When…uh…how…uh…" He couldn't complete any of the thoughts in his mind but they got the gist.

"When? Just a few minutes ago. How? Let's just say that he was in the right place at the right time." Sheppard glanced around the room. "Now…we have to make a plan, decide exactly what we're going to do and make _absolutely sure_ we get our stories straight."

McKay shifted in his seat. He was finally showing some interest in what was going on around him. "Stories? What stories?"

"Like…how did we meet? Where did we go on our first date? How long have we been a couple? When did we get engaged? When is the wedding? Where will we go on our honeymoon? Are we even going to take a honeymoon? Will we live in Canada, the US or somewhere else when we retire? House or Condo? Left or right side of the bed? My name, your name or a combination of both? Public displays of affection-a little? A lot? None at all? Cats or dogs? Both or neither? Kids-for or against?" He paused for breath. "We need to be on the same page in case the Kardanians ask us these questions separately."

McKay, his eyes now fully focused, had powered up his tablet and began making notes, his shoulders hunched and fingers tapping faster than the eye could see. Truth be told, he was getting excited! Not in a sexual way. That would just be, he gave a mental shudder, _wrong_. His excitement was of the I-am-a-genius-and-the-only-one-who-can-solve-our-problems-so-get-out-of-my-way-no-talking-while-I'm-working-go-get-me-something-to-eat variety that he did _so_ well. He grinned. In the immortal words of Dr. Frederick Frankenstein THIS! COULD! WORK!

McKay was still typing twenty minutes later. Periodically, he would chuckle, giggle or chortle to himself. Every time someone tried to ask a question he would hold up a finger for quiet or just shush them. He eventually came to a stop and looked up from the device in his hands with his patented smug "I am about to be brilliant again" smile.

"_I _am about to be brilliant again!"

**TBC**


	3. Smelly When Wet

Note: This story is _not _slash. All of the characters stay true to themselves.

**I Now Pronounce You… Uh…**

**Chapter Three – Smelly When Wet**

**Foreword:**

Poet and writer of children's books, Phyllis McGinley said "Compromise, if not the spice of life, is its solidity. It is what makes nations great and marriages happy." So compromise should be easy, right? A little give, a little take and you end up where everyone's if not happy, at least they are content. However, it depends on the people, situation and personalities involved. In this case, the people are John Sheppard and Rodney McKay. Need I say more?

*****

"I have, here on this tablet, the answers to _all_ your questions, Sheppard. Although," He shook his finger for emphasis. "…since we are now officially betrothed I should probably call you John and you should call me Rodney. Or maybe Rod, as a term of endearment." His said hopefully. No one had ever called him Rod and he really wanted _someone_ to, whatever the reason.

"You already call me John. And I call you Rodney all the time. And _no_, for the _last time_, I'm _not _calling you Rod. It reminds me of that other Rodney from the first time Jeannie came to Atlantis. He was a nice change from you for a while, but then he just got…creepy. Tell you what, I'll only call you Rod when you're creeping me out, okay?"

"Oh, alright. But won't it bother you to lie to these people?"

"Rodney, there's no such thing as a lie. There's only the expedient exaggeration. You ought to know that."

"Okay, where were we?" He used the stylus to scroll the page back to the top. "Ah! I'll read the question, give you _my _answer then _you_ give me yours. On the points where we disagree, we can compromise. Simple. First question: How did we meet?"

"Easy. When we both got posted to Atlantis almost five years ago. Next question."

Rodney nodded consulting the tablet again. "Okay, first date. We had dinner together in the dining hall. Next. How long--"

Sheppard pushed away from where he'd been leaning against the door. "Wait. Wait. Wait. _Dinner_ in the _dining hall_? Is that the _best_ you can do for a first date?"

"What's _wrong_ with dinner?"

_No wonder he's still single_, John thought. "Nothing, if we're just pals. And we have dinner together _all the time_. We need something with a little more zing for a first date. Something romantic. How about…a picnic? On the East pier. Fried chicken, potato salad, beer and that blue Jell-O you like. Then a walk in the moonlight. We held hands but didn't kiss. It was a first date after all."

McKay rolled his eyes and nodded in reluctant agreement. "Okay. Okay. It was a _picnic._ And also very thoughtful of you to bring along my favorite dessert. Though I don't know how romantic it is to sit on the ground and eat. My back would have been killing me long before it was over."

"Trust me, Rodney. Picnics are romantic as long as it's just the two of you. Sunset is good, moonlight is better. Something to think about." He raised his eyebrows and tilted his head.

"Really? Humph. I'll keep that in mind." He made additional notes next to this entry talking softly to himself. "Dinner in dining hall: bad. Picnic for two, sunset, moonlight, holding hands: good." The next few questions were easy. The best lie has some basis in truth so they decided that truth was best regarding when they had become engaged: earlier today-the exact time could be vague, and when the ceremony would be: haven't set a date yet. Besides, it wasn't really a lie. Just an expedient exaggeration.

"Let's see. Next up is the honeymoon. Are we even going to take one?"

Sheppard smiled wickedly, rubbing his hands together. "Of course we are. But leave that to me. I know _just_ the thing."

McKay looked up from his tablet in alarm. "_Why_ does that scare the bajeezus out of me?"

"I don't know, Rodney? Why _does_ it scare the bajeezus out of you?" Sarcasm dripped off the words further disturbing McKay's peace of mind. It didn't help that Sheppard had a look on his face that is usually accompanied by a maniacal laugh. He could almost hear it, "_Mwahahahaha_!"

"If I were you, Dr. McKay, I'd be careful of any documents he asks you to sign before you leave on this imaginary honeymoon. Especially if they have the word 'primary' next to _your_ name and 'beneficiary' next to _his_." Caldwell cut in with a smirk. The look McKay gave him made Caldwell shiver.

Their accord broke down again when they got to the question of where they would eventually reside once their tenure in Atlantis was over. "I think we should stay in Atlantis as resident civilians. You can take a part time job in the cafeteria and I'll…do…something." John finished lamely.

"We should go back to Earth, to Canada. Once I get too old to work I want to be as far from the Wraith, Genii and Replicators as possible. And at least we _know_ people there."

"'We' don't know anyone in Canada. That's _you_."

"You know Jeannie and Madison. Oh, and Kaleb." Rodney pointed out. "And you're older than me and will reach retirement age a year and a half before I will. Just thought I'd point that out." He and John glared at each other for about thirty seconds. Rodney, as always, was the first to look away. "Okay. Okay. Undecided. Now on to the question of a house or a condo. Well, _that's_ easy."

"House." Said John at the same time Rodney said, "Condo."

"_House_."

"_Condo_."

While they argued the merits of the two very different types of residences, Caldwell leaned over and said to Ronon, "They're already arguing like an old married couple. Do they do this all the time?"

Ronon gave a snort. "Yeah."

The commander grinned. "It's a wonder they get anything done at all."

"No kidding."

"Do you think they've forgotten that it's a _fake_ engagement?"

He shrugged his massive shoulders. "Probably."

"You don't talk much do you?"

Ronon shrugged again. "Not really." When they tuned back in to what John and Rodney were saying, no decision had been made. They were undecided yet again.

Left or right side of the bed: John took the left, closer to the door in an emergency. Rodney took the right, closer to the bathroom in case he had to go during the night.

Names: Rodney thought they should take his name, John thought they should take _his_. Caldwell, in another fit of humor, suggested hyphenating their names and Ronon suggested McShepp as a combination of both. These suggestions were met with an icy stare from both men. In the end, they each opted to keep their own names.

Public displays of affection: Holding hands, a peck on the cheek now and again, some _minor_ hugging, arm around the shoulder in the movies, but not much more than that. No tongues and _definitely_ no "tonsil hockey".

"…And _no_, you can't put your hand on my knee under the table, Rodney."

Rodney rolled his eyes, throwing his hands in the air. "Suit yourself. I was just saying…"

Cats or dogs: Rodney wanted cats because "Dogs are big, slobbery, loud, messy carnivores. And they smell _really bad_ when they get wet!"

John leaned against the door again, crossing his arms and one ankle over the other. "Yeah? Well _you _are all of those things too and we still keep _you_ around. Especially the smelly-when-wet part. _And_ you're allowed on the sofa."

Rodney looked hurt as he sniffed himself. "Really? You never said anything."

"I didn't want to hurt your feelings."

"Hmm, now that I know…um…what were we talking about?"

"Dogs." Ronon interjected.

"Oh, yeah. Well, _dogs_ run away and your parents tell you it's because he didn't like you. On the other hand you and your cat share a special bond. Like a parent and a child but without all the paperwork and those ridiculous psyche evals that come with adopting _human_ children. And you always know where you stand with a cat."

"True. Cats understand exactly how you feel. They don't care but they understand. Dogs have owners, cats have staff. Dogs sleep with you because they love you. Cats sleep with you because they love your bed. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you later…maybe." Obviously, John wanted dogs. "_I_ want dogs. _Big _dogs. Big dogs that like to _chase cats_. A lot. Besides, you can't take a cat for a ride in the car or to the park and they won't chase a ball. And if you fall in the river, a dog will jump in and save you. A cat will let you drown and their only thought would be 'Well, there goes my meal ticket.'"

Rodney scowled. "I'll put us down as 'undecided'."

Kids: John wanted kids, three or four at least, maybe more. "That's why we need a _house_! Besides, a condo is just a glorified apartment."

"If we had _cats_ instead of _kids_ then we could live in a _condo_. Not to mention that if we get a house, _you _are doing all the yard work. It was one of my chores as a kid and I've always hated it."

"If we had _kids__,_ _they_ would do the yard work." John sighed. "Okay. Okay. I'm too tired and hungry to argue any more. Let's just get this whole thing over with. Put us down as undecided…again."

*****

The two men were tired, hungry and ready to get this whole thing over with. As they neared the Officer's Mess a group of Kardanians were huddled together speaking quietly and gesturing. Sheppard put a hand out to stop McKay's forward motion.

"There she is. Okay. Here's what we do. We casually wander over, I'll say I'm very flattered but I can't marry her and introduce you as my…whatever."

McKay's eyes bugged out when he saw E'llya. He made an angry sound. "That is just _so_ typical! You _always_ get the beautiful _sexy_ alien." His voice had risen attracting the attention of E'llya. She smiled brightly and began moving in their direction. She had a grace and allure that was very appealing to both men, even if she did have hair like a punk rocker.

Out the side of his mouth, Sheppard said, "Here she comes. Hold my hand. Try to act like it's something we do all the time and you're not as creeped out by it as I am." Before their hands could touch, McKay made an impulsive decision. He grabbed his friend by the shirt front, pulled him up against his chest and planted a kiss right on his lips.

**TBC**


	4. Was It Good For You?

Note: This story is _not _slash. All of the characters stay true to themselves.

**I Now Pronounce You… Uh…**

**Chapter Four – Was It Good For You?**

**Introduction:**

I ran up the door, opened the stairs, said my pajamas and put on my prayers - turned off my bed, tumbled into my light, and all because he kissed me good-night! ~Author Unknown

Serve! Set! Spike!

*****

The sight of the two men kissing brought E'llya, her entourage and a significant number of the _Daedalus_' crew, including Ronon and Colonel Caldwell, to a stumbling halt in front of and behind them. All conversation came to an abrupt end as everyone watched the head of Atlantis' Science and Research department and its military commander locking lips.

Sheppard was pulled off balance when McKay grabbed him. He brought both hands up to keep himself from falling, giving the impression that they were embracing. After the initial shock, he tried to pull away but McKay was stronger than he looked.

Caldwell cleared his throat. "Colonel Sheppard, Dr. McKay, would you like to join us for dinner? Ronon and I were just about to get something to eat." They both silently thanked him for ignoring the scene he'd just witnessed. The commander said to the crowd, "Forget about what you're seeing and get back to what you were doing. And no gossiping. This isn't what it looks like."

The spectators quickly scattered at their commander's order. E'llya and her people had already made a very hasty retreat in the direction of their quarters where they would, presumably, be informing her father of what they'd just seen.

McKay looked up into Sheppard's face. The dangerous expression he saw there scared him as he'd seldom been scared before or probably ever would be again. He quickly released his grip just now realizing what he'd done. He brushed both hands over Sheppard's shirt trying to remove the wrinkles he'd left in the fabric and got his hands slapped. Before stepping back he whispered desperately, "Please, _please_ don't kill me. I-I-Its just that, well, when I saw _them_ over there and _us_ over here a-a-and, well, you _always_ get the sexy alien. So _then_ I thought, well, w-w-we'd talked about public displays of affection so I figured that, um, this was the perfect opportunity and we should p-p-probably, you know, for the sake of um…" He was gesturing with both hands, speaking faster and faster. An auctioneer had nothing on Rodney when he got like this. Sheppard crossed his arms, shifted his weight to his right leg and began tapping his foot.

"…a-a-a-and I didn't enjoy it _nearly_ as much as I would have if we really were, uh, n-n-not that you're not a good kisser because you definitely are…wait that didn't come out right. I mean, well, I've only kissed _women_ before so I have no basis for comparison. Except for the time I kissed Carson but it wasn't really _me_ so it doesn't count. What I mean is, it was _my lips_ but it was really _Cadman_ doing the kissing. But, what I'm _trying_ to _say_ is…"

Though he'd initially been infuriated with McKay for planting a big smooch on him right here in front of God, Caldwell and everyone, his stuttering explanation was enormously entertaining and it restored his humor. He let it continue another minute or so then decided it was time to end it or he'd go on like that all night. Besides, the smells coming from the Mess had his stomach making that funny gurgling noise. If he waited much longer to eat it would go hunting on its own.

"_Rodney_!"

"What?"

"Since it seems to have achieved our intended purpose I…forgive you for going beyond the bounds of our agreement." He chuckled. "Oh, you should have _seen_ it! E'llya looked like a dear in headlights when she took off. C'mon. Let's get some dinner. On me. I feel like celebrating!" He hooked an arm around McKay's neck, bent him at the waist, quickly rubbing his knuckles back and forth on the top of his head. McKay protested, ducking away and smoothing his hand over the area. "And Rodney…"

"_What_?"

Sheppard winked. Flustering Rodney was one of his favorite hobbies. "It was good for me, too."

*****

McKay and Sheppard seated themselves at the table with Ronon and Caldwell. All four were basking in the light of a job well done in eliminating the problem with the Kardanians. Mr. Woolsey would forge an alliance and John could stay single without insulting their guests. Everybody wins.

They'd been enjoying their meal and some pleasant banter for about twenty minutes when suddenly all conversation within the Mess came to a stop. The four men looked around and spotted Captain Closas, E'llya, Arnav Nilay, the first officer of the _Adnausaeum_, and two others whose names they didn't know making their way between the tables in their direction.

"My daughter tells me that there is a…predicament. She says that Colonel Sheppard is not in a position to take her as his mate because he is already mated to that one." He pointed at Rodney. "She observed the two of you I am told it is called 'kissing'. Such an action is performed between two who are…committed to one another. Is this true?" The tone was not accusatory. He was simply asking for information.

John finished chewing, swallowed and laid his fork back on his plate. Rodney had stopped with his fork half way to his mouth, Ronon kept eating and Caldwell was still chewing. "Uh, yeah. It's true. I'm sorry for not mentioning it sooner but you kind of threw me for a loop, uh, surprised me when you offered your daughter as a gift. In my culture we don't do that."

Closas' eye went wide. It was an odd thing to see as the silver irises of their eyes were the same color as the eye itself and it gave the man the look of a middle-aged punk rocker on some strange mind-altering drug. "You do not give and receive gifts?"

"No. I mean yes, we do. All the time. It's just not usually…people. Though it was very, uh, generous of you to offer."

"I understand and take no offense. You and your mate…" He paused.

"Rodney McKay." All of the Kardanians put their hands to their mouths and gave embarrassed laughs. Their skin glowed with silver sparkles that appeared to be their version of a blush.

"W-w-what's so funny?" Rodney spoke up for the first time.

Closas looked at the floor a moment. "It is your...backname. It sounds very much like a word in our language that is used as a, what is it called? Ah, a _euphemism_." When he told them what it meant they too smiled and muffled laughter came from the surrounding tables.

McKay closed his eyes for a moment blushing bright red to the roots of his hair. "Then I suppose you should call me Rodney." The Kardanians all smiled again but not with embarrassment this time.

E'llya spoke up for the first time since the Kardanians had entered the Mess. "That is acceptable. For us, 'Rodney' is similar to 'roa-dinay'. It is a small very friendly creature somewhat like a cat but with extremely large ears and a curled tail. Like a cat, it makes a rumbling sound when happy or content that is quite soothing. If you do not object, I will call you 'Roa-dinay'."

"Uh…s-s-sure. Okay." _It's better than them calling me "McKay"_, he thought, _considering its meaning_.

"You and Rodney will be our first guests once we have relocated to our new home, Colonel Sheppard."

John flicked his eyes around the table at his companions. "I-_We_, would be honored. And call me John."

Captain Closas made a slight bow. "John. It would also be an honor for you to call me Mard. If you will excuse us. We will retire to our accommodations for the night." He nodded to each man in turn then they were gone.

Caldwell, Ronon and Sheppard all turned to McKay, their eyes dancing with amusement. Without meeting their eyes McKay raised his index finger in the air. "I warn you. _Say_ _nothing_! Ever!" He picked up his fork and continued eating, ignoring all of them.

**TBC**


	5. No Ring?

Note: This story is _not _slash. All of the characters stay true to themselves.

**I Now Pronounce You… Uh…**

**Chapter Five – No Ring?**

**Preamble:**

It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for

the rest of your life. ~Rita Rudner, comedienne, writer and actress

Ms. Rudner was talking about meeting and marrying her husband, Martin. But we all know that you don't have to be married to someone in order to get enjoyment out of annoying them for the rest of your life. You only have to be best friends.

*****

Knock, knock.

"Not now."

Knock, knock.

"Go away."

Knock, knock.

"Busy!"

Knock, knock.

"Wor_king_!"

Knock, knock.

"_What_?!?!?" Rodney finally opened the door of his quarters to see John standing there with a smile that showed smugness, self-satisfaction, and deep inner humor. Apparently he was still amused by the events in the Officer's Mess the previous night.

That theory was confirmed when John said, "Good morning…_McKay_." Rodney blushed. John always took great pleasure in watching him writhe with embarrassment and today was no different. Until Rodney shut the door in his face.

Rodney had just sat back down at the small table he'd been working at when John knocked again. Through the door he said, "Okay. Okay. I'm sorry. Now open the door and let me in."

It slid open again to Rodney standing with his arms crossed and a stubborn expression. "Open the door and let you in _what_?"

John thought about it a few seconds and replied, "Open the door and let me in…Rodney?" He squeezed past the shorter man and threw himself down on the already made up bed, staring up at the ceiling. "What are you up to?"

"Just doing an analysis of the data we got from the experiments we did with the sublight yesterday. Thinking about getting breakfast but don't want to run into the Kardanians. They'll all be having a laugh at my expense again. Like that's unusual around here."

"Oh, get over it." John rocked to his feet. "Come on. Let's go get breakfast. I'll get you an extra Danish." He coaxed.

Rodney's eyes brightened. John knew all of his weak spots. "The cream cheese kind?"

"Of course."

The scientist stood, swept up his tablet and they exited together. "By the way, I was thinking. I should have a ring."

"A ring? What for?"

"Duh! An _engagement_ ring."

John gave him a sideways glance just to see if his friend was pulling his leg. "You're pulling my leg, right? Why should I give you a ring? Why don't _you_ give _me_ a ring?"

"Uh, because _you_ proposed to _me_ not the other way around." He was using his I-know-you're-not-that-stupid-you-know-I'm-right voice. "I was thinking a tasteful platinum band with one small diamond. Nothing too flashy or ostentatious. I wear a size twelve on my left ring finger."

"Dream on, Your Royal High and Mighty-ness. _This_ prince isn't getting you squat."

"_Prince?!_ _You?!_ Hah!" Rodney laughed derisively. "More like a frog."

John smirked back at him. "Well, kiss a frog, get a prince. Isn't that how it's supposed to work? You're not getting a ring."

Rodney began to whine, more to annoy John than anything. "Why no-_ot_?"

John looked around to make sure they were alone and whispered, "'Cause it's not a real engagement. That's why."

"Uh, _yeah_, Colonel McStates-the-obvious. It would just be for _show_."

"Oh. Well, that's _different_."

"Really? So, you _are_ buying me a ring?" Rodney said hopefully.

John said, "No. But I _will_ buy you breakfast." And Rodney brightened again as they stepped into the Officer's Mess.

"And an extra Danish?"

"You got it!"

"I'll take it!"

*****

Later that same day, Rodney was making his way from Engineering back to the Bridge when he ran into E'llya, literally. He put a hand out to steady her and found her dark skin very warm and satiny. From what the ship's doctor had said, the Kardanians normal body temperature was slightly higher than a human's. Still it was a bit disconcerting, like pressing your hand to the forehead of a feverish child without the film of perspiration. But she was a long way from being a child. A fact that had not escaped Rodney's notice. Or the notice of every other human male on the ship.

"Oh! I am so sorry, E'llya. Are you alright?"

She smiled. "I am fine, Roa-dinay. Now that I have found you, may we sit and talk?" She was dressed in a jumpsuit-like garment of royal blue, form-fitting but not overly tight, that draped across her breasts emphasizing their shape and showing only the tiniest bit of cleavage. The color and style were a perfect complement to her black and silver spiked hair, silver eyes and dark skin.

"Uh, sure." As he led the way to the Officer's Mess he noticed that several of the _Daedalus_' crew smirked and turned away as he approached. He recognized them as having been in the Mess hall the night before during their encounter with the Kardanians. He rolled his eyes and ignored them as he got a cold beverage for him and E'llya. She was confused for a moment when he pulled out her chair then smiled and sat, accepting the gesture for what it was.

An unusual yet pleasant scent whispered past his nose and he took a deep breath. As he sat down opposite her, he unconsciously dropped his gaze to her chest. Horrified that he was ogling another woman when he was in love with Jennifer he gave himself a mental slap. _McKay, _you_ are a pervert. Get your mind out of her cleavage._ Hard on the heels of that thought came another. _Oh, what the hell? I'm still a _guy_. And it's not like I'm going to sleep with her or anything. I'm just looking. Think of it as…window shopping. Just because I'm looking doesn't mean I intend to "buy"._

"Roa-dinay, I have heard talk among your crew that, despite the way it seems, you and John are not yet mated-for-life. Is this true?"

Rodney almost choked on the mouthful of iced tea he'd just taken. _Here it comes_, he thought. _Stick to the script, McKay_. "Uh, yes. Yes, it is. We are…engaged."

"What is 'engaged'?"

"Well, its, uh, it means we've made a promise to be 'mated-for-life' but haven't yet had the, uh, ceremony that will make it final." He wondered where this was going.

She toyed with her glass, making designs in the condensation on the outside of it with a finger. "Then you will be having your Ritual Day soon?"

_Ritual Day equals Wedding Day, check._ "We, uh, haven't decided. W-w-why do you ask?"

"I ask because it would be my pleasure to see two who so clearly care deeply for one other mated for life. Among my people, when two have made the choice to be together for the rest of their lives, they complete their Ritual Day within seven of your days. I have learned that it is not the same for you." She paused to take a sip of her iced tea. The ice rattled in the glass as she replaced it on the table. "Your Earth has many different cultures but, for the one to which you belong, the union may happen immediately or not for some time."

Rodney stayed silent. Normally he was not a patient man but he was certain she would get to her point eventually. He didn't have long to wait.

"Because you and John are so obviously, the Earth term is 'meant for each other', I am wondering why you are waiting. You and he should begin your life together as soon as possible."

What she said was so reasonable he started to panic just the least little bit. This wasn't one of the things they had planned for! His mind bounced around looking for a solution. _Come on, McKay, you're a genius. You're at your best in a crisis. You can handle this. Think of something!_

"We're, uh, waiting for the proper, um, alignment of the sun, planets and stars as well as, um, just the right phases of the moons. Not to mention that we, uh, haven't told our families yet because we, uhhhh, made the decision to be 'mated' only recently."

To his amazement, she accepted his halting explanation without reservation. Her delicate-looking yet strong hands reached out to grasp his where they rested on the table. "I understand and am very happy for you, Roa-dinay. And may the Creator Of All Things bless you and your mate-to-be, John Sheppard. I, my father and all that remain of my people will stay on Atlantis until after your Ritual Day, which we would be greatly honored to attend."

*****

After Rodney and E'llya parted he touched his earpiece. "McKay to Sheppard."

"Sheppard here."

"We got trouble."

"What sort of 'trouble'?"

"Kardanian trouble."

"Oh, no."

"Oh, yeah. I've been talking to E'llya or rather _she_ was talking to _me_."

"And…"

"_And_ I don't think this is going to be over within your timeframe of a week to ten days."

"Well, I did say two weeks tops."

"_John!"_

"Rodney! Just tell me!"

"She wants to come to the wedding. Says she and her people won't leave Atlantis until she sees us married."

**TBC**


	6. Snapback

Note: This story is _not _slash. All of the characters stay true to themselves.

**I Now Pronounce You… Uh…**

**Chapter Six – ****When You Stretch The Truth, Watch Out For The Snapback** **or**

**There's No Such Thing as "Idiot Proof"**

**Prelude:**

Oh, my. I can't believe we're up to chapter six already. Where _does_ the time go? For John and Rodney, time is running out. Their little white lie (HA!) is coming back to haunt them because E'llya has decided that she and her people will stay on Atlantis until she sees John and Rodney married. How _will_ the boys from Atlantis get out of this one with their dignity _and_ singlehood intact? Well, it may be too late for their dignity…

*****

Once again the four men were in Caldwell's office. Only this time the plan had to be idiot proof. The Kardanians refusing to move to their new home until John and Rodney were married was a major hitch in their getalong.

John paced. As the room was small and there were four adult men inside it the pacing consisted of step, step, turn, step, step, turn, step, step, turn. Over and over and over. Finally Rodney had had enough.

"John, will you either _stand still_ or sit down? You're making me dizzy."

"Can't. I think better on my feet and even better when my feet are moving."

Rodney sighed. "Well, it hasn't helped you come up with a new plan yet, has it, hmm? Hey, here's a radical idea. Let's just tell them the _truth_. I'm sure they'll understand."

"I don't know. What if they're so ticked that they leave in a huff and never speak to us again? We'll lose them as allies, access to whatever planet they settle on and we wouldn't be able to protect them if something happened." John stopped suddenly with a hand in his hair. He turned to Rodney with that self-satisfied smile he always had when he thinks he's come up with a really good idea. "I have a really good idea. Why don't we stage a fight and break up? I can tell her that I'm so upset by it that I couldn't even think of getting into another relationship so soon."

"Think that'll work?" Ronon put in. He was once again sprawled in a chair. This time his weapon was holstered.

Rodney was already shaking his head. "No, it won't. She thinks we are hopelessly devoted and" He made quotes in the air, "'made for each other'. She'd never believe it. Or if she did she would try to get us back together." Then he smiled, his eyes started tracking back and forth, an indication that he was about to come up with another brilliant idea.

"I have another brilliant idea. When she asked why we haven't planned our 'Ritual Day' I told her we were waiting for the proper alignment of sun, planets and stars as well as the correct phases of the moons. All we need to do is tell her that all of these events won't occur for quite some time and that we'll contact them when it does. Between now and then we break up. Simple."

Caldwell spoke up for the first time. "It sounds plausible to me."

John looked happy for the first time since entering the room. "Yeah. Let's do that. It's too late tonight so we'll wait until we get to Atlantis in the morning and they get settled in. What's the word on finding them a new home?"

"Based on the information about their home planet we transmitted to Atlantis after we picked them up three weeks ago, we have it narrowed down to three planets that would be ideal. A survey team was sent out to check on the last of them today. We'll provide all the information and let them decide."

"Great. I don't have to imagine what its like to have your world destroyed and only a couple of hundred survivors on a rickety old space ship left to carry on. Been there, done that. Don't want to do it again." John made reference to all the times they'd encountered problems with displaced aliens, altered time lines and, once, a malfunctioning alternate reality drive.

"True. We should also let Woolsey know what we're doing before the Kardanians let the cat out of the bag. Just so he won't let it slip that this is all a fabrication. Teyla, too." Rodney's eyes went wide. He was forgetting someone very important in all this confusion and prevaricating: Jennifer. "Oh, crap! Jennifer. I have to tell her what's going on before…"

"Dr. Keller? What does _she_ have to do with this?" Caldwell didn't like being out of the loop and he was way out of this one.

"Well, she, um, uh, that is I, uh, what I mean is…" John was in no mood for Rodney stuttering tonight. He sounded like a needle stuck in one of the grooves of a vinyl record.

"The Dr's Keller and McKay are…involved."

Caldwell nodded his understanding. "Then you should definitely get her into this very peculiar loop."

Rodney looked at his watch. "She'll be asleep now so I'll talk to her first thing tomorrow when we return to Atlantis. Now if that's all settled, I'd like to get some work done before I go to bed." He picked up his tablet and headed for the door.

"Since we are" John made quotes in the air, "'engaged', then I should probably walk you to your quarters. Besides, mine are right next door to yours." They fell into a companionable silence. As they neared their quarters another thought occurred to Rodney.

"John, the US military doesn't approve of same-sex relationships beyond the platonic and the US doesn't have much of an open mind when it comes to same-sex marriages."

"Yeah, I know. What are you getting at?"

"Well, suspend belief for a few minutes and imagine that this," He waved both arms to include both of them, "is real. How would we be able to get married? And what about your position at Atlantis?"

"Hmm. Well, I suppose…I would have to…uh…resign my commission and we'd get married in Canada. That would make me a Canadian citizen by marriage and I could join the Canadian Air Force, AIRCOM, then you could pull in a couple of favors to get me posted back here as the military commander."

Rodney didn't disguise his admiration for his friend. "John, I am truly, truly touched. You would _resign your commission_for _me_? It gets me right here." He laid a hand over his heart.

"Well, we do agree on one thing. You _are_ 'touched'…in the _head_. And no, I wouldn't."

"Really?" His crestfallen expression had John almost regretting his words. "W-w-why not?"

John laid a hand on Rodney's shoulder giving it a companionable squeeze. "Because, Rodney, and I'm telling you as a friend…it's _not a_ _real engagement_!" He slapped him on the side of the head.

Rodney gave a snort. "I _know_ that, Colonel I-could-have-been-a-Mensa-but-I-turned-them-down. I was just _saying_…"

"Just…say good night, Rodney!" John ordered in his me-boss-you-not voice.

Obediently, Rodney said, "Good night, Rodney." John tried to slap him again but nearly got his hand caught as the door snapped shut.

*****

The Kardanians looked around them in undisguised amazement. John knew just how they felt. He felt the same way every time he came into the Gate Room. He introduced Captain Closas and his senior officers to all of the Atlantis staff who had gathered to welcome them. The Kardanians, always extremely polite, actually _listened_ to Woolsey's long-winded speech. Chuck was put in charge of escorting them to their quarters and settling them in. John breathed a small sigh of relief. But just a small one.

*****

"John, Roa-dinay, have you finally chosen your Ritual Day?" E'llya asked as she eyed the bowl of blue Jell-O Rodney had suggested she try. She poked it with her spoon watching it jiggle and smiling with delight.

The two men exchanged looks over her bent head. Rodney shrugged indicating that John should run with this part of the story. "Yes, we have. We, uh, will do the ceremony the next time the moons are, um, full at the same time."

"Uh, John…"

"See, for us, the moon has a great deal of significance. It symbolizes romance, love…"

"John."

"…spirituality. Some animals even howl at it. It was the first place my people traveled to when we began to move out into space…"

"John!"

"We have a saying: 'Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.'"

"_John_!"

"_What_, Rodney?"

"Uh…" He hesitated just a bit too long and a female voice from the table next to them interposed itself into the pause.

"Colonel Sheppard, sorry to butt in but I couldn't help overhearing." He recognized her as a member of the astrophysics team. "The moons will be full in three days."

The dear-in-the-headlights look on his face was mirrored by the one on Rodney's. "_That's_ what I was trying to _tell you_." He said under his breath.

Of course, this revelation delighted E'llya. "Oh, this is wonderful! My new friends, John and Roa-dinay, I would be most happy to assist in the preparations for your Ritual Day in three days time. It will be a time of joy and celebration of the beginning of your journey together for all eternity!"

A tray crashed to the floor, startling everyone. They turned and Rodney saw Jennifer standing there, her eyes wide and mouth open. Without a word, she turned and fled.

John turned back to Rodney. "You forgot to tell her, _didn't you_?"

**TBC**


	7. Does Stuff Exist, or Not?

Note: This story is _not _slash. All of the characters stay true to themselves.

**I Now Pronounce You… Uh…**

**Chapter Seven – Does Stuff Exist, or Not?**

**Foreword:**

If you've made it this far you have figured out that the preface does not necessarily contain a recap of the previous chapters. And once again, it does not. This time we will talk briefly about Schrödinger's cat. Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger wrote a paper in 1935 regarding a hypothetical paradox involving a cat. The thought experiment presents a cat that might be alive or dead depending on an earlier random event. It has perplexed and annoyed geeks, and non-geeks, for years. If you have not heard of Schrödinger's cat, it might be a good idea to go to Wikipedia for the serious explanation and straightdope dot com for the whimsical one. Then keep that cat in mind as you read this chapter.

* * * * *

Rodney caught up with Jennifer out in the corridor. For privacy, he pulled her into the nearest storage closet. Quickly and succinctly he explained the situation, how it came about, how they had _expected_ it to play out and how it all went wrong, more than once.

Jennifer stared at Rodney wide-eyed for a few moments as the reality of what he was saying sank in. Then she put both hands on his shoulders and her head on his chest. She started shaking uncontrollably.

"Jennifer, I-I-I...." She appeared to be crying and he didn't know what to do so he put his arms around her. He was confused when she pushed back to look into his face.

She was laughing, softly at first, then harder and harder. She doubled over and continued to laugh until her throat was sore and she started coughing. Tears streaming down her face, she kept shaking her head in wonderment.

"Rodney, I...." she couldn't finish at first. Then, "...I hope you and Colonel S-S-Shepherd will be…will be…" She started laughing again. "…very (gasp!) happy to-to-together!" Finally, she managed to stop, her breath coming in great gulps.

Rodney felt a bit annoyed. He frowned. But as usual his annoyance with her did not last. It faded away at about the same time Jennifer managed to quit laughing though her eyes still danced with amusement. He gave her his most endearing smile and a helpless shrug.

"Um, Jennifer, while I have your undivided attention, would you answer a few hypothetical questions for me? Don't ask why and please, just say the first thing that comes into your head."

"Uh, okay. Sure. Fire away."

"Okay. Honeymoon: yes or no?"

"Yes, definitely."

"House or condo?

"House."

"Cats or dogs?"

"Both."

"Keep your name or take your spouse's?"

"Spouse's."

"Retirement?"

"Earth."

"Kids?

"Yes, one at least; maybe two."

"Public displays of affection?"

"Yes, within reason."

"Uh, thanks. That's it for now. And thanks for not asking why. I'll explain it later, okay?"

"Okay. You and your, uh, 'intended' have a good evening now." She kissed him, opened the door and strode away. He banged his head against the door several times.

* * * * *

The next morning, E'llya caught up with Rodney as he was coming out of his lab.

"Roa-dinay, I have spoken to your friends Ronon and Teyla. They have agreed to host a small merriment for John and yourself tonight. I am told that this sort of celebration is a pre-Ritual Day tradition called the Bachelor Party. They have invited all of your friends. There will be food, drinks, music, dancing and games. It will be held in the recreation room at…" she consulted a Kardanian device similar to a PDA. "1900 hours?"

"Really? Whose idea was _that_?"

"John and Mr. Woolsey were in agreement."

"I should have known." He sighed in resignation. "Okay, I'll be there."

E'llya smiled her thanks and turned away busily tapping at the screen of her PDA. She had insisted on taking on the role of wedding planner so he and John could concentrate on work until then. Meanwhile, they were still trying to figure out how to get out of it. It was _not_ going well.

* * * * *

Rodney woke up to a pounding headache, dizziness and nausea like he had only experienced twice before. Once in high school when he'd contracted food poisoning from a fast food franchise and a couple of years ago when he was addicted to the Wraith enzyme and Carson helped him through the withdrawals.

Swinging his legs over the side of the bed he carefully sat up. His stomach lurched and he put his head in his hands so it wouldn't fall off again. He was absolutely certain that it had already done so at some point after he'd gone to bed and then had been used in a volleyball tournament. His door chimed bringing on another wave of pain that made him want to curl up and die. Instead, he made his way over to the door. It opened to show John Sheppard looking as if he'd gotten his best night's sleep ever.

John was smiling until he looked into Rodney's face. "Oh, man. You look like day four of a three day binge. How do you feel?"

"Like Schrödinger's cat. How do you _think _I feel? And you _don't_ have to _shout_. Why is it so bright in here?"

"I'm not shouting. And what is Schrödinger's cat?" John knew the answer but wanted to see if his friend was cognitively impaired.

"Yes, you _are_ and go ask…uh…" He snapped his fingers several times. "…someone else. What do you want anyhow?" John put a check mark next to "cognitive function: severely diminished" on his mental list of Rodney's symptoms.

"I came to see if you wanted to go to breakfast but it doesn't look like it would go over well at the moment. Maybe you'd better lie back down." He took Rodney by the arm, steering him back to the bed and helping him take off his sport jacket and shoes. He'd slept in his clothes.

"You _really_ look awful. I'm calling Keller." Rodney grabbed his arm to stop him.

"No, it's a little early in our relationship for her to see me like this." He moaned and squeezed his eyes shut so they wouldn't pop out.

"Rodney, she's a _doctor. _And she's already seen the inside of your skull. And we all know what a scary place _that_ is. It'll be fine."

"Please…don't call her. Promise?" He put his hands over his face and groaned.

He sounded so pitiful John agreed. "Okay, okay. I promise. You know, I _did_ tell you not to drink the Athosian wine."

"Please, stop _shouting_! And thank you _so much_ for bringing that up. Some fiancé you are." The last word ended on a moan. He started to hiccup and John saw his face go pale. "John…"

"Uh-oh. Speaking of bringing stuff up. Come on, pal. Into the bathroom with you." He guided his friend into the bathroom and closed the door just in time. The retching was so loud and went on so long it made him cringe. _Sounds like he's bringing up more than one vital organ_, John thought sympathetically and called Keller anyway. He did promise not to but he didn't pinky swear. She would help Rodney with fruit juice, water, antinausea medication and that special brand of TLC a man can only get from the woman he loves who loves him back. He made a hasty exit when he heard Rodney say, "Oh, _man_, I do _not_ remember eating that."

* * * * *

Hours later, Rodney appeared in the dining hall unshaven and in his civies rather than his uniform. Feeling better but still wincing at loud noises and bright lights he grabbed a cup of decaffeinated herbal tea, no lemon, and made his way to the team's usual table. Ronon had also just come in. He flopped in the chair across from Rodney.

"What's wrong, McKay? You look terrible." His deep voice vibrated inside Rodney's head bringing fresh pricks of pain but thankfully nothing like when John had been to his quarters. Was that this morning? What time was it anyway?

"It's called a hangover." Rodney brought a hand up to squeeze the tiniest bit of air. "And please, lower the volume on your voice just a little. Where's John? I think I have an idea of how to get us out of this mess…finally."

"He's right behind you." John pulled out the chair next to Rodney and sat down. "So what's this big idea?"

Rodney made shushing motions. "You've made such a mess of this, I will go to E'llya and tell her that I want to put off the Ritual Day until the next time the moons are full because I'm getting cold feet. That will give us…several weeks. Then later we'll tell her we broke up because _you_ were Kirking around. She should understand infidelity."

"You know, that _is_ a good idea, except for the Kirk reference. Do that and let me know what happens."

The hot tea actually seemed to help almost as much as the cold juice and water dispensed by Jennifer in between applications of cool wet clothes to his face and torso. He was still embarrassed at vomiting in front of her but she'd helped him shower and brush his teeth then rubbed his stomach afterwards so it wasn't so bad. She'd even kissed him on the forehead saying, "My poor Rodney". He still preferred _her_ brand of TLC to any other but she was working now and he had to get to work himself.

"There she is." John pointed across the dining hall to where E'llya, still carrying her PDA, had just picked up a small bowl of blue Jell-O and a glass of iced tea. Rodney crossed his fingers and stood.

Ronon and John watched as Rodney led E'llya to a table away from everyone else. She listened intently while he spoke then nodded, stood, squeezed his hand once affectionately and departed. Rodney smiled, flipped them a thumbs-up and began to eat the abandoned dessert.

* * * * *

By the end of the day Rodney had begun to feel like himself again. His stomach now felt like he could actually eat something more than Jell-O so he headed for the dining hall. John, Ronon and Teyla, her left arm still in a sling, were already there having something to drink.

Rodney had just sat down when Captain Closas and E'llya approached. The men had a sense of déjà vu. John smiled and nodded a greeting. "Mard. E'llya."

"John, my daughter wishes to speak with Rodney." Captain Closas stated without preamble.

E'llya stepped forward indicating that Rodney should stand. After a slight hesitation he did so.

She made a delicate sound like clearing her throat. Her face was somber. "Roa-dinay, because you have elected to delay your Ritual Day due to your doubts about the union, I can only presume it is because you no longer care for John as you did when you first made the decision to become mated-for-life.

"My people have studied the cultures of your planet and have found many similarities to our own, particularly where it concerns two who are rivals for the same individual as we are for John Sheppard." In her right hand she held a single glove.

"By your traditions and mine, I am 'throwing down the gauntlet'." She tossed the glove at Rodney's feet. "I hereby challenge you to a duel for the right to be mate-for-life to Colonel John Sheppard. As the one challenged, the arena and weapons are your choice. I look forward to hearing of your response by midday meal tomorrow." The room had gone completely silent except for the burble of the coffee maker and the clatter of distant kitchen sounds. She and her father swept from the room.

The silence continued for a full thirty seconds then a babble of voices swirled through the air. Rodney and John looked at each other in astonishment. John's response was short, succinct and heartfelt. "Oh, s_hit_!"

**TBC**


	8. Love, War and Alligators

Note: This story is _not _slash. All of the characters stay true to themselves.

**I Now Pronounce You… Uh…**

**Chapter Eight – ****Love, War and Alligators**

**Opening:**

There's a saying: When you are up to your backside in alligators, it is difficult to remind yourself that your main objective was to drain the swamp. Well, John and Rodney are up to their backsides in alligators and every time they try to drain the swamp, E'llya and her people dump in more water _and_ put in more alligators.

Take Rodney for example. He woke up with a _major_ hangover following the bachelor party and has just been challenged to a duel by E'llya for the heart of John Sheppard. As the challenged, it's up to him to choose the place and the weapon. We all know that Rodney's most formidable weapon is his vast intelligence and his ability to come through in a crisis. What weapon and what place will he choose? Will he cheat his way to winning or will he cave in and tell the truth? There's only one way to find out…

* * * * *

"She did _what_?" Richard Woolsey exclaimed when told of the latest developments in the situation with the Kardanians. He found them intelligent but a little naive in their dealings with those from off world. Case in point, their behavior concerning Sheppard and McKay. Of course, the men weren't completely blameless. They should have told the truth in the beginning even at the risk of losing a potential ally. "This is…this is…"

"Weird? Strange? Bizarre?" This from John.

"Yes, all of that and more. What are you going to do, Doctor?"

Rodney shook his finger. "I've been thinking about it and can see only one solution." He began to outline his brainstorm to the group assembled in Woolsey's office. Ronon and Teyla exchanged a look of amusement that was quickly hidden. Caldwell didn't bother hiding his humor. Having been in on this craziness from the beginning, he'd insisted on being included and no one really minded.

There was silence when Rodney finished. Not the good kind. "Rodney, is that not…cheating?" Teyla was again using her "mom face" augmented for effect by her "mom voice". It made him squirm, as was intended.

"Well, just a little. But, as they say, 'all's fair in love and war'. And this is both." He waggled his hand. "Sort of. And the labs have everything I'll need to pull it off."

Knowing that he didn't really have a choice in the matter, Woolsey approved the plan.

Now, sitting alone in his office, he wished Sheppard and McKay had found another solution. But it was too late now._ Well,_ he thought, _when you're up to your _ass_ in alligators…_

He booted up his laptop and began trying to write a report for Stargate Command and the IOA that didn't make them all look like complete fools. It was not going to be easy but he'd taken this job, to sort of quote President Kennedy, not because it would be easy, but because it would be hard. He looked thoughtfully at the blank screen for about five minutes then began to type.

* * * * *

Rodney McKay looked around at the group assembled in the rec room. It was lunch time, the time given for E'llya to hear his response to her challenge. _Remember to be humble, McKay._ "First, I want to thank you all for coming. Having the support of my friends means a great deal to me.

"I have made my decision regarding the challenge put forth by E'llya for the right to be named as, uh, mate-for-life to John Sheppard. And I hereby formally accept the challenge." A stir went through the crowd but he ignored it.

"My choice of venue is the mainland outside the Athosian village. As for the weapons," he gestured and Ronon stepped forward, carrying two bright green and white weapons by their straps, "Super soaker water guns with a special non-staining dye created especially for this, uh, duel. Yellow for you and red for me. We also have heavy duty Camelback Dual Hydration Packs to provide water to drink _and_ ammunition." To himself Rodney thought, _and hers is filled with the disappearing ink so I'm sure to come out the winner! _He had a twinge of guilt for yet another lie but placated his conscience by telling it that it was all for a good cause. "All that remains is to set a time." They chose that afternoon and the crowd dispersed talking animatedly. Several of the more notorious staff had their heads together and Rodney was sure they were taking bets on the winner. He ignored them and returned to his quarters to change.

* * * * *

"Everything okay back there?" Major Lorne's voice came over the radios of the two passengers. Rodney and E'llya were in the back section of Jumper Two with the hatch closed between them and the cockpit. They were to be let off one at a time in an area of the pilot's choosing so that neither had a tactical advantage over the other regarding start location. Both were dressed in khaki fatigues and boots. E'llya's usual spiked hair had been left loose then tied back with a long strip of worn leather Rodney had seen Ronon use a few times to hold his dreadlocks back.

"We're _fine_, Lorne. Let's just get this over with." Rodney told him. E'llya had said little on the trip over from Atlantis and he was bored. He'd gone over his "battle" strategy in his head several times. If he could get her trapped in a cave or at the edge of a cliff with nowhere to go then it would be a cinch. One squirt and it would all be over. To E'llya he said, "You studied the topographical information about the area and have your life signs detector?"

"Yes, Roa-dinay. I have a good knowledge of the area outside of the settlement and have made my…plan of attack. The detector is here." She patted one of the pockets of her borrowed uniform. The detector she carried was the Kardanian version of the one Rodney carried because his would only work for someone with the ATA gene.

Rodney looked away so she wouldn't see the guilt in his face but the gesture was misinterpreted. "Do not despair, Roa-dinay. Whatever the outcome, I would not bear you any ill will and hope you would do the same for me. It will be a privilege to continue our friendship after we have concluded this event." She smiled and squeezed his hand where it lay in his lap. _Oh crap_! He thought. _Now I _really_ feel bad. I am the _lowest_ of the _low_. I should just tell her everything right now and take my punishment. If I tell her it was all _my_ idea then John would be off the hook._

He was about to do so when they felt and heard the Jumper's engines throttle back. "Okay, folks. Who wants to go first?"

"I'll go." Rodney stood and moved to the transport area. In a flash he was gone.

* * * * *

Rodney looked up as the Jumper banked and circled around to the second landing area. He'd check and re-checked his "weapon" on the trip over and all that remained was for Lorne to give them a "go". A few minutes later he did so adding, "Good luck to both of you. I'll be at the Athosian village until you call for pick up."

He raised the water gun, holding it cradled in his right hand like a P-90. Taking a deep breath, he moved off in the direction indicated by the detector.

* * * * *

E'llya crouched down watching the small screen in her hand. A yellow dot moved erratically across the screen in her general direction. She turned and stood, moving to the left to go around the fallen tree she was hiding behind. If she remembered correctly, there was a cliff 100 yards forward and to the left. All she had to do was encourage him in that direction. She was certain that he would attempt the same thing with her. It remained to be seen who would prevail.

* * * * *

Rodney started at a noise behind him. It couldn't be E'llya. According to his detector she was headed toward him but from a totally different direction. He ran to the next clump of bushes looking over his shoulder. When he faced forward again a branch covered in condensation slapped him in the face and then a second one somehow got him on the back of the head. He wiped the moisture off with his free hand and started again. The noise was still behind him but closer this time. Eyes wide and walking backwards watching for some wild animal to jump out at him, he tripped over a rotting log and landing on his backside in a puddle of mud. "Oh, _crap_! That's great. That's just _great_! This is all _Sheppard's_ fault!"

He stood up and brushed ineffectually at the mud, turned and took a few steps. His feet got tangled in a fallen branch pitching him forward. He landed on his stomach with a loud _crack!_ Looking down he saw a spreading pool of water slowly soaking into the already wet ground. He rolled to a sitting position and found that he'd landed on his weapon. The reservoir was cracked along the base and all of the water had run out. He had no way to repair it so he set it aside. The only thing he had now was the Camelback with its dual tanks of water. He had to find a way to make the left side, the one that contained the dye, into a weapon. Shrugging it off, he pulled the access hose out as far as it would go. He reached into one of his pockets and took out a small tool kit. Selecting one, he began adapting the hose to his purpose.

* * * * *

There she was, directly ahead. His mental map of the area told him the clearing with the high cliff was just to her left, his right. If he could chase her that way he would easily be able to end this snipe hunt. Weighing his options, he chose to try an old trick. He selected a fist sized rock from the ground at his feet, checked her location so he wouldn't hit her by accident, and tossed it as close to the tree line as he could. It worked better than he'd hoped. E'llya burst out of her hiding place headed straight for the clearing. He was about 30 yards behind her and gaining.

E'llya exploded into the clearing, the green and white Super Soaker cradled in both hands. She skidded to a stop within three feet of the cliff edge, dirt and rocks cascading down. Hearing Rodney's heavier footsteps behind her she realized she'd been duped. She whipped around just as he sprinted from the tree line and came to a halt just a few yards away. Both combatants were breathing heavily, covered with a mixture of dirt, mud and perspiration. Their eyes met.

Unexpectedly, Rodney had the urge to smile. Twigs and leaves were stuck in E'llya's hair and there were streaks of mud on her face. She'd lost the leather strip that had held her hair back leaving it loose around her shoulders. Her silver eyes were wide making her look wild and vulnerable at the same time tapping directly into his colossal reservoir of guilt. It rushed to the surface making his head swim.

Without conscious thought, he took a step forward opening his mouth to tell her that he was giving up. "E'llya, I-" His foot came down on a loose rock and the ground came up to meet him _hard_! Pain exploded first in his ankle followed quickly by the pain in his left side. He saw stars.

"Rodney!" E'llya cried out starting forward to go to his aid. She lost her footing and fell over the cliff.

**TBC**


	9. Sweeter Than Whine

**I Now Pronounce You… ****Uh****…**

**Chapter Nine - Sweeter Than Whine**

**Pre-ramble: **

Mork had this to say about the art of deception: "You can fool some of the people all of the time…and the rest will watch."

It doesn't make any sense but I thought it was funny.

The end of the last chapter left everyone hanging, especially E'llya. Rodney is injured and eaten up with guilt for deceiving her about, well, everything. So what happens now? Is Rodney able to rescue E'llya? Does he finally 'fess up about the deception he and John have been carrying out? Who wins the heart of John Sheppard? Who put the bomp in the bomp-a-bomp-a-bomp? Who was that man, I'd like to shake his hand. He made my baby fall in love with me. Oh, sorry. I got lost in the 60's on my way here. Where was I? I don't remember. Read on and enjoy!

* * * * *

E'llya's scream pierced the fog of Rodney's pain and he looked up just in time to see her topple over the edge. She was able, just barely, to grab a projection and hang on. Her feet flailed in the air not able to find a foothold so she could pull herself up.

"E'llya!"

"Rodney!" The fear in her voice sent a flood of adrenaline into his bloodstream and cut through the last of the pain to touch that part of him that would always feel protective of a woman no matter what her abilities. It enabled him to crawl slowly forward. When he reached the rim, he peered carefully over. E'llya was just far enough down that she could not reach the edge to pull herself up.

"I'm here!" He estimated he outweighed her by at least 60 pounds; he should be able to pull her up. He turned sideways and carefully reached his good right arm down to wrap his hand around one of her much smaller ones. Those strong fingers convulsed on his as he cautiously inched backward pulling her with him. He saw her other hand come up to join the first. He was able to will a last great surge of strength and E'llya cleared the rim to land on top of him, her face just a few inches above his and both of his arms holding her close.

After what seemed like an eternity, they relaxed and their breathing returned to near normal. Still, they stayed just as they had been, Rodney on his back, E'llya sprawled on top of him, her head on his chest and his arms around her offering and taking comfort. "A-a-are you…alright?" He finally asked.

"Yes, Rodney. Extraordinarily frightened but I am fine. Thanks to you."

"Oh, well, it's, uh, all a part of the service. Just think of me as a knight in shining, uh, khaki, rescuing the damsel in distress from the evil, um, cliff dragon." She looked at him blankly not understanding the reference. He waved a hand. "Never mind. I'll explain later." They looked at each other for a moment then she put her head back down on his chest. Rodney felt he should say something else. "You, uh, you called me 'Rodney'."

E'llya's head came back up. She was close enough to kiss had he been inclined to do so. He _was_ tempted but didn't. She smiled. "That is your name, correct?"

"Well, yeah, but you've always called me 'Roa-dinay'. This is the first time you've _ever_ call me anything else."

She propped her elbow on his chest and her chin in her hand, her face scrunched in thought. "Hmm. This is true. Perhaps it is because this is the first time we have been in this situation."

Rodney laughed then groaned as the last of his adrenaline rush faded and the pain reasserted itself. E'llya immediately levered herself off his chest to kneel along side him.

"Oh, Roa-dinay, you are hurt. I shall contact Major Lorne." She touched her earpiece. "Major Lorne, you must come at once. Rodney has been injured." She listened a moment. "We are on a cliff. I do not know in what direction you should travel from the village. From here I can see nothing but rocks, trees and other growing things." She nodded and murmured a response then turned back to the man on the ground.

"Major Lorne will use our communication devices to locate our position and will be here soon, Roa-dinay. When we return to Atlantis, as soon as you are able, we will go together to inform your mate-to-be, John, that you were the victor in this challenge. You are a good man and it is only fitting that you should prevail."

Rodney's head sagged to the ground. The load of guilt and shame were so heavy he didn't think he'd be able to walk even if he _could_ stand. _Okay, McKay,_ he told himself, _it's now or never. Time to come clean._ He slowly brought himself to a sitting position with E'llya's assistance.

"E'llya, there's something I-I-I need to t-t-tell you. I-It's about John and me and our, uh, e-e-engagement." Her eyebrows came together in puzzlement. "You see, here's the thing, it-it-it all started that day when your father presented you to John as a reward for the rescue of your people, well, he, uh, started to-uh, but then he was in the corridor and, well, then I-I-I was there and he asked me to, but then you, well, _you_ know, and we really aren't-that is _he_ and I aren't really, well, we _are_ but not that way and we didn't want to-what I _mean_ is…John didn't want to, a-a-and then you wouldn't leave until we, uh, but then you challenged me and, well, here we are and we really aren't, uh-uh, a-a-and we're _really_ sorry we didn't tell, well, the truth at the start because then-"

"Rodney!"

"What?"

She laughed. "I cannot understand anything you are saying. Please talk slower and in complete sentences."

"Sorry." He took as deep a breath as possible with the pain shooting up and down his left side, especially in his ankle. "Okay, so, here's the thing, when your father offered you as a reward for the rescue of your people, well, John kind of panicked. Then it all went to hell-um, I mean, that's were it all started to go wrong…"

He told her the whole story, didn't leave anything out. Well, except the part where John referred to their lies as "expedient exaggerations". When he finally ran out of words his eyes sought hers. "So you and John are the best of friends but were never to be mated-for-life?"

Rodney took another deep breath exhaling loudly. "Yes. No. I mean, yes, we're _friends_ and no, we were never engaged. And I am _so_, _so_ sorry that we lied to you. Can you ever forgive me, uh, us?"

"Oh, Roa-dinay. Of course you are forgiven. All of you. That you, John and all of your friends would do so much to keep from insulting my people shows the depth of your integrity. Now I must tell you the truth as well. The offer of myself as mate to the leader of the people who rescued us is a very old custom that we seldom adhere to any more but my father persuaded me it was necessary in order to preserve our honor in this instance. Please do not speak of this to my people. It would only cause acrimony."

Rodney's eyes went wide in astonishment. "You mean you never wanted to be John's, uh, mate?"

"No. I do find him incredibly…appealing. And I find you even more so but I do not wish to be mated-for-life to anyone at this time. "

"You mean you find _me_ more appealing than _John_?"

"Oh, yes. Most assuredly. I have always had a fondness for males who have an exceptional intellect."

"Thank you." He couldn't help the smugness in his voice_. Wait till John hears that _I _got the beautiful sexy alien this time!_ "I, uh, well, that is…um…"

"You are devoted to your Dr. Keller?"

"Yes. How did you know?"

"I cannot say. It is, as you say, no problem."

Rodney smiled, chuckled then began to laugh out loud. A moment later she did as well, making an odd hiccupping sound. This is how Major Lorne found them when they were transported to the Jumper.

* * * * *

Jennifer was part of the medical team that met them in the Gate Room. She fussed over him in her me-doctor-you-patient-and-you'll-do-what-I-say-or-else manner.

"Meredith Rodney McKay! What kind of trouble have you gotten yourself into _this time_?" _Uh-oh_, he thought. _It's never good when they use all three names._ "I do believe _you_ need a keeper."

"I _have _a keeper. _Sheppard_ keeps getting me into trouble and today was no different."

Hands on her hips, she said, "Not that kind of keeper, silly."

"Oh, of course. Silly me." His voice was still a little strained from the pain in his body but he tried to ignore it for her sake. "Got someone in mind for the job? I'll be taking applications and reviewing résumés as soon as I get out of the infirmary."

Jennifer smiled tenderly. "I know someone who would be _perfect _for the job." She stopped short. "Rodney! You aren't whining."

"Yeah. So?"

"But you _always_ whine. About being injured, the pain, having to stay in the infirmary, the nurses not letting you go to the bathroom alone, the semi-private gowns, having blood taken, the I.V., MRI's, wearing the oxygen sensor, you name it and you whine about it. You whine about everything _but_ the food."

"At the risk of getting another lecture… And your point is…?"

"_Why_ aren't you whining?"

"Oh. Well. It's all a part of the kinder, gentler, _humbler_ Rodney McKay. I understand that the ladies _like_ humble." He winked at her.

"Well, cut it out. It's really annoying." She winked back and mouthed the words _L__ove you__._

He could tell from her tone, and what she'd said for him only, that she was upset by his injuries and the jocularity was just a front. She had to keep a professional distance or she wouldn't be able to perform her duties. Besides, he knew that she would fuss over him in a different way later. It made him love her even more. He mouthed back to her, _L__ove you more_.

A short while later, his and E'llya's injuries had been attended to. She had been released and he'd been settled as comfortably as possible in a bed in the infirmary where someone could keep an eye on him to make sure he behaved. His left ankle was bandaged and elevated with an ice pack. He was just finishing dinner when John walked in.

"Hey, pal. How you doing?"

"Not too bad…considering."

"Well, Congratulations! It looks like you came out the winner in the battle for _moi_."

Rodney carefully placed the remainder of his fruit cup back on the food tray with the remnants of his meal of meatloaf, mashed potatoes and some sort of mystery vegetable that he hadn't touched.

"Uh, yeah. About that…John, I, um…well, you see, first I fell in the mud then, well, I, uh, I-uh, my water gun got broken, then s-s-she fell off the, uh, and then I-and then _we_ were…a-a-and suddenly it just all, uh…w-w-what I'm _trying_ to say is…"

"You _told her_ didn't you? Rod-_ney_!"

Rodney gave him a helpless shrug. "Yeah."

"What did she say? What did she do? Tell me _everything_!"

And he did.

* * * * *

John dried his hair then wrapped the towel around his waist. He'd just finished brushing and flossing his teeth when the door chimed. "Who is it?"

"It is E'llya, John. May I speak with you?"

"Uh, yeah. Just a minute." He quickly slipped into his black sleep pants and a t-shirt.

"Please come in." She was wearing emerald green pants and a black v-neck blouse that clung in all the right places. In place of her usual spikes her black and silver hair hung to her shoulders in large spiral curls. It made her even more alluring than before, if that was possible. He watched her as she stood there surveying his room taking in the poster of Johnny Cash above his bed, his guitar sitting nearby on its stand and the stack of comic books on the bedside table. The latest issue of _Batman_ was on top, the cover folder over to hold his place.

"I, uh, understand Rodney's told you everything."

"Yes."

"And you're not angry or upset?"

She smiled. "No, not at all. Actually, I am quite relieved. The offer that was made as compensation for our rescue is dictated by our customs and traditions though it has not been done for many, many years. It was not something that I wished to do. I am flattered that you would go to such lengths to protect the feelings of people you hardly know. I bear you and your friends no animosity and hope you will do the same. Let us, as your people say, put it behind us and look only to the future."

"Done. So, uh, what can I do for you tonight?"

Hands linked together in front of her, she said, "I would like for you to explain something to me, if it is possible."

"Uh, sure. Anything."

"You have a social custom that my people do not share and I would like to learn more about it. I have asked my new best friend Roa-dinay to do this but he has very politely declined. He also says that he has, um, first hand knowledge that you are an expert at this particular custom and you would be more than happy to alleviate my curiosity."

"First hand knowledge, huh? Well, I'll do my best. Which social custom are you curious about?"

"John," She raised her eyes to his. They were filled with warmth and something else he'd never seen there before. "Please tell me about…kissing."

**TBC**


	10. Parting is Sweet Sorrow

**I Now Pronounce You… Uh…**

**Chapter Ten – Parting is Sweet Sorrow or **

**How Can I Miss You If You Won't Leave?**

**Endstory:**

Sometimes I start the preface with a quote. Here's one for the final chapter:

_Kissing is like real estate. The most important thing is location, location, location._

~ Anonymous

E'llya knows nothing about kissing except what she has observed while at Atlantis and has just asked John Sheppard to educate her. Talk about your male fantasies! And what will she do with her newfound knowledge? To find out, well, you know what to do!

* * * * *

"Please tell me about…kissing."

John didn't know what he expected when she appeared at his door but _that_ wasn't it. It was so _far_ from _it_ that it couldn't even _see_ it.

"What, uh," He cleared his throat. "What do you want to know?" Motioning her to a chair he grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, his throat had gone very dry suddenly, offered her one, which she accepted, then sat himself in the other.

"What is the _purpose _of kissing?"

"Um, well, for the, uh, most part, kissing is used to show…affection. And there are many different kinds of kisses. It all depends on who you're kissing, the age of the person and why. We also have lots of sayings that use the word 'kiss' in them but we won't get into that now."

"Tell me about the different ones."

"Well, let's see, there are the kisses you give to or receive from relatives, mother, father, sister, brother, child and so forth or someone who's just a good friend. Those are usually on the cheek and may or may not include a hug. Many people hug without the kiss." She nodded, her silver eyes shining in the dim light of the bedside lamp.

"Then there's 'hello, I'm glad to see you' and 'good-bye, I'll miss you' but these two are pretty much the same. They can be for family, friends _or _someone who is much more than a friend and be with or without a hug or just a hug alone. I guess the major difference between these and the others is kissing on the lips instead of the cheek." At first he was a bit disconcerted by her unwavering gaze as he described the different types of kisses and the situations for which each was appropriate but that quickly passed. And he was doing fine until he got to the more, uh, remarkable types of kisses.

"There are, uh, kisses you give s-s-someone to show, um, sexual attraction and well, they're the, uh, most fun and may or m-m-may not lead to, to-uh, s-s-sex." _Geez! What is _wrong_ with me? I'm starting to sound like_ McKay_!_ _A beautiful woman wants me to teach her about _kissing_! This is a male fantasy come to life. Just go with it, Sheppard!_

He took a deep breath and looked at E'llya's face in the dim light. "When you use your tongue with this one it's called a French kiss. Not sure why. It's kind of like 'hello, glad to see you' with a little extra _oomph_." At her confused expression he elaborated, "While your lips are touching you open your mouth and your tongues touch and sometimes enter the other person's mouth. I know. It sounds disgusting but it can be…fun. And they are usually done in private.

"Sometimes the kiss, uh, not just the French kiss but kisses in general, are not just on the lips or cheek. A person can kiss or be kissed on any part of their, um, body that, uh, you want to or the other person wants you to or will allow.

"If you, uh, kiss, hug and touch each other in a sexual way without, um, disrobing, it's called 'making out' or 'necking'. Sorry, I don't know why."

Her brow furrowed in thought. "What form was the kiss that was given to you by Roa-dinay?"

John laughed. "It was an impulse on his part. He did it to stake out his territory, so to speak. We wanted you to think that he and I were a couple and _he_ figured seeing the two of us kissing would do the trick. At the time, we didn't know that your people don't kiss."

"When it is time for my people to depart from Atlantis, I wish to give Roa-dinay the appropriate type of kiss. Which would you recommend?"

"For Rodney I would say you should use the 'good friend with hug', a hug with a kiss on the cheek, especially if Dr. Keller is there. If she is not, then 'good-bye, I'll miss you' would probably be okay."

"Yes, I heard that they are devoted to one another other. I would not want to create difficulty for him." She reflected on everything he'd just told her. "Kissing seems quite…pleasurable. Would you mind demonstrating?"

He'd just taken a drink of his water and nearly spit it out in surprise. "Uh, which one?"

"All of them. Particularly this one called the French kiss."

_Whoa! _Super major_ male fantasy! _He debated with himself for a short time on whether or not he should submit to her request. A _very_ short time. _What the heck, _he thought. _Why not?_ _I'm a guy, I'm single and I doubt it will cause a diplomatic incident if I do this. _ "Ah, well, okay. We, um, we'll start at the beginning and work up to it."

He was _very_ glad he'd just brushed his teeth. Garlic breath would hardly make a good impression. Unless, of course, it was an aphrodisiac to Kardanians. "Okay, um, let's put the chairs closer together so we don't have to stand." She nodded and helped him rearrange the chairs till they were side by side. "And, um, try to relax. I'll tell you what I'm doing as I go. And if at any time you feel uncomfortable just say so and we'll stop." _Oh, __please__ don't make me stop!_

"I am relaxed, John, but you look as if you should take your own advice." Her eyes danced and he gave her a sheepish grin. She was right. He willed himself to loosen up then faced her, sitting sideways in his chair.

"Let's start with 'relative or just good friends kiss with hug'." He put his arms loosely around her and she did the same. His lips lightly touched her cheek. He leaned back to check her reaction and she blinked at him. He gave her one of his best Elvis smiles.

"Okay. That went well." She didn't run screaming from the room so he kept going. "Alright, um, next we'll try 'hello, I'm glad to see you'. For this one we usually close our eyes but it's not mandatory. "

E'llya nodded. When John brushed his lips across hers, just the barest touch, she gasped and her hands came up around his neck and, finally, she closed her eyes. The brush of her warm breath across his cheek had him suddenly on edge. They pulled slowly apart.

"John, please…'cut to the chase'. I would now like to have a demonstration of the French kiss…a_nd_ the 'making out'." Her eyes had gone dark and he imagined that his were the same. Suddenly, she straddled his lap, slid her hands into his hair, pulled his face to hers and he was a goner. He tried to made a mental note to thank Rodney later…_much_ later but it got lost when his brain shut down.

* * * * *

It was morning and Rodney had just finished dressing. He was strapping his watch to his wrist when the door chime sounded. He opened the door but found no one there. Looking down he saw a container of blue Jell-O, a spoon and a note. He picked up the offering and opened the note: _Thanks! I owe you BIG!!!_ He looked up and down the corridor. Seeing no one he shrugged, popped the top off the container and scooped a spoonful of the cool gelatin into his mouth as the door slid closed again.

He'd just finished the last of the Jell-O when the door chimed again. Again no one was there and again there was a container of blue Jell-O and a note. He swept it up and headed for the science lab, still limping slightly. This note simply said "Thank You". He pulled the top off and ate it as he walked.

* * * * *

After studying the information on the three planets deemed suitable for the Kardanians, and quite a bit of debate, they finally chose LM7-15D. The planet was currently uninhabited by intelligent life but had been at one time. The buildings were still there and remarkably well preserved given that it was estimated that no one had live there in more than 1,000 years.

They were given an IDC and instructed in its use so they could contact Atlantis any time they had a need to. But they wouldn't need it right away. Atlantis personnel would be assisting with clean-up and construction. And Rodney and his team were still working on getting their ship, the _Adnausaeum_, up and running again. Repairs were coming along slowly but it would be space worthy again eventually. The Kardanians were immensely pleased and said so at every opportunity. Which also pleased Rodney to no end but he was very careful to keep it humble as Jennifer suggested.

* * * * *

Finally, the day came for the Kardanians to leave. They had made many friends among the expedition members and the Gate Room was packed to overflowing. They were to say a final farewell to Captain Mard, E'llya and their people.

"Again, we are _very_ sorry we lied to you, Mard, but when you offered your daughter as a reward for your rescue, I kind of panicked. Unfortunately, we kept digging ourselves in deeper and deeper trying to find a way to get out of it without offending our new friends."

"What do you mean 'we'?" Rodney whispered in his ear. "This was all _your_ fault."

John didn't honor the remark with a response. Didn't even look as if he'd heard.

The Kardanians looked at each other and began to laugh, a high pitched hiccupping sound. "John and Rodney, we apologies for the confusion." Mard had stopped laughing but amusement still tinged his words. "E'llya made the decision of her own free will, with a small amount of persuasion from her somewhat old fashioned father. That is the _first _misunderstanding."

"The _first_? You mean there's _more_?" John's voice had risen and he took a deep breath to calm himself.

"Yes. The second misunderstanding was regarding your perception of what _our _response would be to your acceptance or rejection of that gift."

Rodney finally spoke up. "And that was…?"

"If you did not wish to accept the gift…" Mard looked John directly in the eye, "…all you had to do was politely decline."

John and Rodney looked at each other, shocked beyond belief that the solution had been so simple, that this whole calamity could have been avoided if they had been a little more familiar with each others customs and traditions.

"You mean all I had to do was say 'no, thanks' and that would have been the end of it? No harm, no foul?" Mard thought over the meaning of the idiom and nodded.

Without conscious thought, John exclaimed, "_Son _of a…" His sense of decorum reasserted itself just in time. He looked at the faces of the assembled crowd including, of course, Richard Woolsey. "…human!" He finished lamely.

E'llya stepped in front of Richard Woolsey. "Mr. Woolsey, I have been instructed in the correct protocol for leave taking." She extended her right hand and they shook. "We are most grateful for your hospitality and look forward to a long and mutually favorable association with the people of Atlantis." Next, she moved over to Rodney who was waiting not very patiently for her attention.

"Roa-dinay, I will miss you." She looked around and spotted Jennifer standing a few feet behind him. Her slender arms wrapped around his shoulders and she brushed his cheek with her warm lips.

"Good-bye, E'llya. I'll miss you too."

Next up was John. "John, thank you for everything. It was quite…educational." She gave him a smile that told him more than her words ever would, more than she could say in front of a crowd.

He blushed lightly. "No problem. You were a, uh, quick study." Impulsively he took her in his arms and whispered, "Good-bye, I'll miss you" indicating what sort of kiss they should share in public. He was thrown for a loop when she pulled his head down to hers and kissed him long and hard. He was wide-eyed and gasping for breath when she released him. "Whoa! With extra _oomph_!"

At Woolsey's nod, Chuck dialed the gate and the Kardanians stepped through the swirling event horizon of the wormhole that would take them to their new home. The last through was E'llya. She waved then was gone.

* * * * *

"…and that, sis, is how you almost got John Sheppard as a brother-in-law. And thanks _so much_ for laughing, by the way, because I know you are. Kaleb too.

"I'm still planning on being there for Maddie's birthday in a couple of months. Hopefully, I will have a present for the whole family. How would you like a new sister-in-law?"

_**Finis**_

**Disclaimer:** I know. I should have mentioned this before but I don't own Stargate: Atlantis. Darn it! Only the characters that have sprung from my mind and have somehow ended up here. Please don't sue.

**A/N:** Many thanks go out to my friends Liz Hensley and Dr. Bud Urban for their invaluable assistance. Without them, this story would have been so much less…entertaining. Namaste', _mi amigos_! Love ya!

Thanks to all who have R/R this story. It's been a blast writing it. Look for the Kardanians to make appearances in future stories.

Namaste' ~ Sandy

Please be sure to R/R my friend atomdancerrr's (three r's) work. She is a talented writer and a fair but firm critic. (She often critiques my work so you can go to her profile from the reviews link.) I suggest you start with K-Pax: _The Man Men and the Big, Big Rock_.


	11. The Tag

**I Now Pronounce You…Uh…**

**The Tag**

**The Scene:**

John and Rodney's "engagement" is over and things have gotten back to what passes for normal in Atlantis. The Kardanians have moved to their new home planet, Teyla was turned into a Wraith Queen, Team Sheppard was put on trial for crimes against the Pegasus Galaxy, and Rodney has saved Earth…again, this time with the help of his old rival, Malcolm Tunney and Bill Nye (The Science Guy).

The _Daedalus_ was due to arrive soon and it always sent a ripple of excitement through the city. Messages and packages from home were always a big deal. And it would be especially memorable for John and Rodney, but not in the good way. They just didn't know it yet.

* * * * *

Rodney was in his lab when the email from Jeannie arrived. He read it with the sort of trepidation specifically reserved for siblings who always seem to be right…about everything.

_Mer,_

_Thanks so much for your last letter. Kaleb and I haven't laughed so hard in, well, ever! And you should have _seen_ the faces of our friends when we read it to _them_. They are looking forward to meeting you when you and Jennifer come for Madison's birthday. Also, we were hoping you might bring John with you as well. Everyone here would be thrilled to meet the man that almost captured my big brother's heart. Haha!_

_I like the change in you since you and Jennifer have gotten together. This humble thing you've got going on now is so…not you, but I like it. Just don't do it too much or it gets annoying. And don't roll your eyes._

_I've sent you a special package that will be arriving with the _Daedalus_. Gather your friends together when you open it. If you don't I will know. Do you think _you're_ the only one on __Atlantis__ I correspond with?_

_Take care and give Jennifer our love._

_Love,_

_Jeannie, Kaleb and Madison_

* * * * *

The package arrived as promised. It was about the size of a box of copy paper and wrapped in generic brown paper. He carried it with him to the Mess Hall where he met Teyla, Ronon, John, Lorne, Radek, Woolsey and Jennifer.

When the meal ended Ronon produced one of his many knives and slit the taped sides. Inside was another box wrapped in brilliant red paper embossed with overlapping silver and gold hearts. A note from Jeannie said for Rodney and John to open it together.

"Why would a gift from Jeannie have _my_ name on it?"

"You're kidding, right? _Look_ at the paper. It's a," he made quotes in the air, "wedding gift."

John punched Rodney on the arm. "You _told_ her? McKay!"

Rodney lifted his chin in defiance. He didn't want to defend his actions but was forced to. "Since you are forcing me to defend my actions, I will tell you that she would have found out eventually. _I _preferred that it was sooner rather than later and that she heard it from me. If we don't do as she requested, I will never hear the end of it. There is already too much that I will not hear the end of for a very long time so we should just…do as she says."

John sighed in resignation knowing that Rodney was right. Together they ripped open the paper and lifted the lid. They looked inside then at each other without comment _or_ removing the contents.

Finally, John crossed his arms, piercing Rodney with one of his looks. "Your sister has a very strange sense of humor."

Rodney took a deep breath. "Well, she _is_ my sister."

"John? Rodney? Is there a problem?" Teyla was as curious as everyone else as to the contents of the box and this was her way of reminding them of their obligation to share.

"No. No problem." He turned to John again. "We might as well get this over with and let the humiliation begin."

Reluctantly, John agreed. "Okay. On three?" Rodney nodded and both reached into the box. "One…two…three."

When they produced the items enclosed, their companions began to laugh while John and Rodney just looked as if they were in the sort of pain that emanated from no real physical location: their egos.

* * * * *

The next day, they discovered that someone had taken a photo of them holding up their "wedding gift" and had posted it as wallpaper on all the expedition monitors.

Rodney deleted it over and over again. And over and over again, it reappeared. Eventually, he and John had to try just ignoring the amusement the photo engendered and continue with their daily activities.

The final straw was when they appeared in the Rec Room for Bond movie night and the photo was displayed on the giant plasma screen.

By silent mutual agreement they exited the Rec Room and went their separate ways. Behind them, on the plasma screen their images held up a matching set of baby blue bath towels, hand towels and washcloths embroidered in satin with the words "HIS" and "HIS".


End file.
